I have nightmares, in which I'm faced with a blank computer screen with a blinking cursor begging for that first word of a wonderfully thrilling blog post. I've completely run out of ideas for the blog. Put on the spot, I panic quietly with my jaws clenching. That's when I always wake up. Cold sweat.
Actually, I don't have those nightmares. Was hoping for some drama though. But, seriously, I think I'll have those nightmares soon. I mean, how much can I talk about cycling, right?
Anyway.
In my desperate attempt to come up with something even remotely funny or interesting, at this point, I'd do anything. And, that "anything" is to reveal my darkest secret. (Not that dark actually. And, it's not even a secret. Sean and John hear about this every day at the office.)
A couple of months ago, I didn't have this blog, so I was bored and had all the free time in the world. I figured it would be a good thing to find some boy/man online to hang out with. Oh, I dunno. Maybe someone I can go cycling with. (Besides, I felt bad that I was seeing Olivia like everyday and sensed that Ben was getting jealous of me.)
There's always Match. I've done it. Went on a few dates, including one mistake Republican. Dated one that was, well, marginal. So, no. No go on Match. There's eHarmony... Um. I have time to date, but not THAT much time to fill out 58 million pages of questionnaire. So no go on eHarmony either. Chemistry. A dating site with the name of a subject I hated in highschool. No.
And then, I heard that there are sporty kind of dating sites for athletic minds. I googled and saw that there were many. I picked this one, which will remain nameless, and signed up. And, when I say singed up, I mean, I wrote up a very minimal profile and put up like 2 pictures. One of me cycling and another one snowboarding. I didn't want to be a paying member unless I see someone cute interesting enough for my $$$. You can choose to sign up and not pay so you can browse, but cannot open any emails if anybody writes you. When someone writes you, you get a notice saying, you have a new mail, if you want to read it, pay up! (Not phrased exactly like that, but close enough.)
So, with my brand-new, shining dating site account, I waited. For like 4 minutes. Then emails started to pour in. I had 7 in the first hour. I guess there's a shortage of sporty girls in Los Angels.
Encouraged by the amount of attention I was getting, I started to browse through these potential gentleman-callers. (Read too much Tennessee Williams in college.)
First one, 52 year old who is, well, in shape for his age, but I mean... still looked 52. Mind you, I put 35-39 as my ideal age group for the potential boy-friend. Obviously he doesn't know how to read. I'm all for literacy. So, no.
Second one. 49 years old. No. What is up with people who don't know how to count? Age limit is strictly enforced!
Third one. Cat 3 rider. Totally hot. 42 years old. Damn. Really close. Nice legs. (shaved, of course.) I wish he was younger. Damn. Damn.
Fourth through six. No. (No particular reason. But just no.)
Seventh. 37 years old. In shape. Lots of pictures. Definitely a cyclist. Aww, a dog lover. More pictures of him cycling, running, kayaking, rock climbing, playing tennis, mountain biking, skiing... God, so many pictures. He must love himself. Still more pictures of him holding up his cellphone camera in front of a mirror. Half naked. God, I hate those people who do that! Finally the last picture of him in his cycling shorts. No head. No torso. No legs. Just the lycra shorts. And, all you see is the contour of ever so flaccid... Well.
I just don't know why he would have that picture in his profile. I mean. All I could think of was a flat. You know that feeling of having an inner tube in your hand after having a flat, and it just hangs there lifelessly? That. That was the picture.
Suffice to say, I quickly canceled my membership and took down my profile. So, that was my stint as a sporty online dater. #epicfail.
Disillusioned by the harsh reality, I decided to live a life of service. I thought my time would be better spent writing blogs than online dating.
Besides, if you build it, they (he) will come. Right?
He must be reading this blog. Heeeey! My prince on a white bike, where are you?